Having Difficult Conversations
We all need to have difficult conversations from time to time, whether with a spouse, co-worker, employee, boss, client, or contractor. While few people relish these types of exchanges, they exist as an essential part of everyday life—unless you live in a sitcom where avoiding difficult topics serves as the plot line for nearly every show.
While nothing can make these conversations easy, a few tips can make them easier for both the person who initiates the topic and the person on the receiving end.
Build trust with the person before a problem erupts. Get to know them as a person, involve them in decision-making (as appropriate), ask their opinions, share good news as well as bad. All these things help the person get to know you as a person, make it easier for you to know how to approach the topic, and let them know that you have their best interest at heart. A little trust can go a long way!
Get to the point. Too often people who have to confront a problem or share bad news don’t want to say the words, so they talk around the problem or make generalizations. That makes the recipient even more nervous as they start to worry about what you will say next. Say what you need to say succinctly and directly without hesitation so the recipient understands the problem.
Use specific examples. Words like “never” and “always” can backfire and make the recipient defensive. Rather than “you are always late for work,” use the specific example that “you arrived well after 8:30 four days this week.”
Use I-statements. Talk about their behavior or your perception of their behavior using phrases that start with “I” to make them less defensive. Even better than “you arrived well after 8:30 four days this week,” try “I noticed that you arrived well after 8:30 four days this week.” (I may not have seen you working in another part of the office well before 8:30.) While still direct and specific, it softens the impact on the listener and allows them to explain.
Listen. Too often we get so wrapped up in what we want to say (and nervous about confronting someone), that we forget to let them talk and to truly listen to them. Perhaps they have a really good reason for running late this week; if you do not give them the opportunity to express their views, then you cannot solve the problem in a way that works for everyone. And it’s just polite. You should not drop a bombshell on someone and walk away.
Stay calm. If things get heated—you or the other person—walk away and schedule another time to continue the conversation. Angry or upset people do not listen, cannot think straight, and end of saying or doing things that they will later regret. Better for everyone to approach the situation with calm and cool heads.
Seek understanding. As you work together to solve whatever problem instigated the conversation, you should have in mind how you want it to end. For example, some employee behaviors need to change—if their responsibilities require them to arrive by 8:30, they need to do so. Others can get fixed through compromise: If I run late, I can call another teammate to cover my 8:30 responsibilities. Having an outcome in mind will help you work toward it.
End the conversation with perception checks. When you decide on the next steps, restate it—directly and using I-statements. “I heard that you will call Jo by 8 on mornings when your responsibilities keep you from coming in by 8:30. Is that what you understood?” This ensures that you both leave the meeting on the same page, which lessens the chance that another misunderstanding will result in future conflict!
While few people enjoy initiating or engaging in conflict, it is an essential part of everyday life, especially work life where you need to get along or at least co-exist with people who may have very different personalities and values than you do. Confronting these issues head on will usually result in a more satisfying relationship and work culture. And, often, conflict results from a misperception that, once cleared up, goes away.
